odivad

I havent been on here in forever.
This week is finals for me so I'm stressed out. most people wouldnt notice but for my standards I'm freaking out. Today I took a math exam and ended up with a B in the class. I'm kinnda tempted to continue with higher math so that I can get a better degree. Tomarrow I have a presentation to give on Tim O'Brien and how his experiances can be seen in his writtings. Wed. I have a Buisness law exam and then I'm through. and then trough out the week I have to turn in assorted projects. I am also stressed about finding a job for this summer. It seems no one wants to touch me and the one place that did will not call me back to confirm that they gave away my position as a life gaurd. I personaly know the bitch, so it's kinnda upseting that she wont return my phone calls. Another issue on my mind is finding a place to live for next year. I probably end up geting an apartment to my self. My friends and I had planed to go in on a house but it seems every time we find one that fits the bill some body signs the lease the day before we have a chance.

Margaret and I are still dating, In fact she is right above my head sleeping while I type this on her computer. I feel realy bad for her, she gets stresses about little things and now finals are her and she is having a rough time yet still has patince with me. I have a hard time making her feel better about everything, my motto is that things only bother you if you let them. So instead of telling her everything is going to be alright like a good boy friend, i invertantly tell her that her only problem is her and she needs to chill out. I just sorta realized that. I'm gonna apologize in the morning.

I fliped out on a relative today (by flip out i mean told him some sharp words), he really asked for it though... I try to be nice to him and keep in touch. His idea of talking is arguing about stuff. so i try to talk about practical stuff like whats going on in my life and ask whats going on in his. But he feels the need to voice his opinions on every thing, and by voice his opinions I mean try to give condensending advise where it is neither asked for nor wanted. I know he cant help it and I probly let it get to me because of other shit, but this is always a continual thing and the things he says are quite frankly rude. I'm just tired of it.

By my sisters sugestion I am reading the book, "Stranger In a Strang Land." excellent book so far and cant put it down. that really aint helping me during finals... Its like effing crack. I been reading alot lately, right now I'm reading like three books at once. I feel like I have to make up for the eighteen years that I didnt read because i felt it was the devil. or wait maybe i thought only lossers read, just about the same thing. so know I am a double losser that is constantly reading. I see pamplets that tell the symptoms of drug/alcohol abuse, and if you substitue books for the words alcohol and drug, I aparently have a problem.

Well, I need to get to work. later

you're there in my dreams
you are there when i wake up
what more could i ask

you're in all my worlds

my little dream girl

hmm, been awhile since ive been on here. for once the real world is more interesting then a computer. Ive been spending most of my free time with the previously noted girl, Margret. She broke up with her boyfreind and we decided to be friends... that lasted about 30 min. Self control is definitely not one of our strong points. We are happy being together, we have fun. We finally decided that as long as neither her nor I are being hurt by it then we should just do what feels right and enjoy the time we have together.

As for other parts of my life...

I hate having to work inorder to get good grades, its so fair that its not fair. school's alright, the only things i really enjoy would be writing and the legal classes. The writing because i have found that i have a love for voicing my opinions and writing is yet another form to do it in. In high school(public) writing just wasnt as cool as sex, drugs, and music. well, at lest I have experiences to write about now, even if i cant tell the difference between those memories and the dreams I've had. I hope at lest some of them were dreams...
The law classes I enjoy probly because its easy for me to comprehend and use legal logic to apply laws and such to real life situations. Hell I've been bullshitting to my friends that i knew the law for like ten years i ought to know something. thank God for john grisham books.

School is over for this week for me, except for the nuciance of going to class, so Ive been getting ready for my yearly escapade to the beach. you guys call it spring break, I call it "TITIES!!!!!!!!!" for the third year in a row im going to panama city, hell its just convenient. one of these years i want to go somewhere not just trashy but exotic. like Mexico! no not cancun i was thinking somewhere that i could realy soak in the authentic mexican culture. on second thought... maybe florida will be good for now.

well, im off to go beet the shit out of a little ball. peace

Wow, I met a girl the other day that was quite amazing. Margaret, true this is the first Margaret that I have met that wasnt someones grandmother, but dont let the name fool you. If she was a grandmother she would certainly be a GMILF. Okay lemme get away from the grandmother thing I'm sure its creeping you out. We met at a bar, and just started talking and is was like no matter what she said I had something in common with it. It was kinnda crazy. She ended up staying the night in my dorm (which you have to really impress a girl to get her to stay at patty, my dorm). We stayed up all night making tantric like love (well semi tantric, after 14 some odd drinks I was doing my best...) then we talked, sang music, watched the sun come up. It was beautiful. One thing that we found odd was how comfortable we both were, it was like I had nothing to hide from her. I cant think of anyone else I just met and that I could walk around naked and shameless. It was like I could let one rip right there and not even blush, I didnt though. And we talked, we talked like real companions and it was great. The word alone had no meaning to me when she was there. I was truly was happy. Now I cant wait to go out with her tomarrow. I want to play tennis with her. I just started playing last week. I dont know if I can wait, I think i might invite her over tonight even though I have work.

Ok, well wonderful stuff happen to me every once and a while but there is always a catch. Does this only happen to me? well there are two things actually, one is real and the other is just in my head. The first is after all of this she drops a bomb on me. she has a boy friend, a boy friend she has been dating for three years. Hmm, can I question the kind of person she is by this, or can I believe because it was so great that it was ment to be, regardless of circumstances? I geusse I will have to find out for myself, the beauty of live and learn.

The second thing is completely unrelated, but still it bugs me. the past two girls that I have been with have very much reminded me of female relatives. this first was a girl that just looked like my aunt. I noticed this before we slept together and it didnt bother me, but then afterwords it kinnda bugged me, but not to much because she just looks kinnda like her but personality is very different. Okay, the second girl Margaret kinnda looks like my sister. didnt notice this until I saw a picture of her. the thing with her though is she is a lot like my sister. she is an art major like my sister, and she just has a lot of the same veiws about life and whats in it. This bothers me alot, one because I feel like a sicko for noticing similarity's, and two because I know that these girls have a man in their family that feels the same way about them that I feel about the women in my family. And I feel guilty seeking pleasure with these girls when I know that I am not deserving, especially with a person as beautiful as Margaret. I dont know, I just fell lost somtimes. After talking to my sister latly I can see that this feeling doesnt necessarily go away with age. I hope it will go away with purpose.

Well, I've writen plenty. probly enough to get me labeled as some sort of pervert. I have to get some work done so I can see margaret. later

today was another blur of dreams and memories, maybe i spent a little time in the present i can say for sure. took a mid term. you know that old saying that learning is not an osmotic procedure? id like to ask whoever started that saying, where the hell did the majority of my knowledge come from? I truly dont remember learning it... either way i seems to come in handy for things such as exams.

I played softball today and realized how much I miss playing baseball. It always was my style, just sit back and relax, wait for the ball then make a spectacular diving catch. all the glory but still laid back.

wow, i just got a phone call from some of my friends. they were looking for the number to jimmy johns to deliver food but were to fucking lazy to get off the couch and get the phone book. You know i'm not sure if its pot that makes people lazy or just certain people. I hope i was never that bad.

i hate not being able to write anything humorous or thought provoking. I think I am going brain dead in my old age.

I have a few questions that will probably never be answered. why is it that girls can be so dim and yet be bright enough to play brilliant mind games? I have decided to boycott stupid girls and their games... I'm just afraid I will have to live a very lonely life.

another question: why is it that know one ever can see things the same way? i know that because of every one is different this is bound to happen but why is it that we cant have our individuality yet be able see ourselves what others see with their eyes. I guess i might as well ask why is world peace so impossible. well im out.

well, I'm kinnda curious if my life deserves documentation like this. That is that other people can read. I think I will just keep this up for my own personal beifit. maybe when I'm old it will be cool to read what the fuck I was thinking my first year in college.

What am I thinking? It sometimes seems like I spend all my time thinking but for what? I pounder, I look in different perspectives at different things just so that i can tell my self that I understand? So how does that leave me? Not truly understanding anything and letting everything slip by. So what will I have to show for all of this time I dream, think, fantasize, hope, pounder? In the end, for the best I can tell, I am still the same... no closer to anysort of enlightenment. why is it that I even care whether I understand life? why is it I cant except being what I am, being just a spec in the greater picture. I am chasing the rainbow trying to find my higher state of being.

Anyways, just random jibber jabber. Past couple of days have been just blah... I've been layed up in my room sippin tea and smoking cigarets. ocasionaly reading when I'm conscience. went to get a doctors excuss for class and had a very concered nurse talk me into taking x-rays and almost a cat scan. as i knew nothing was broke but I do have some very impressive boot shaped bruzes. and so the doctor sent me on my merry way. I was pretty impressed with how nice and sympathetic the medical people were (being at school with no mommys to take care of me and give me sympathy for being beat to hell- sucks). Another lesson in life, sure you can get symathy from people, as long as your willing to pay out the ass for medical bills. God, i need a stable girl in my life. this love me for a night shit is nice while it last but it just makes the rest of the nights suck even more. well its late and I have a mid term at 8am. check this, its in weight lifting! turns out i sighned up to work out and after 6 weeks of lifting I'm suposed to know basic anatomy now. sigh.

Wow this is cool. My name is David or Dave or anything derived from that. I've damn well learned to reply to anything, lately "asshole" seems to be my name.

Anyhoo, I'm on here because my sister is on here and I keep finding out my friends have accounts on here.

Well, lemme tell you Februarys suck for me. I get in bad car wrecks, get beat up by groups of people, people die, lose my virginity. well the virginity losing wasn't that bad, but it sure as hell wasn't that great either...

well, lemme tell you about my weekend, it will cover two of the previously mentioned events. this past Friday was the one year anniversary of a bad car wreck that i was in. there was a girl in the car with me and she took the brunt of the impact. the passengers side was literally ran over by the back axils of a giant freezer 18 wheeler. she made it through with only temporary injures and some serious scars (I thank God for this every time i see her). I decided to go back to my home town and spend a little time with her to celebrate the "new year". we only ended up spending maybe 10 min. together before i was chased of by a mother threatening that an irate father just woke up. so after we cuddled for a short moment i had to leave. which left me in my home town at night and with nothing to do. (if anyone knows anything about prattville, this is a predicament you find yourself often in if you live there) but i had one thing in my favor, i had cash. so instead of doing the traditional prattville thing and buying lots of drugs i invested it in another way. I played cards! ended up with like five times as much money as i started with. well, this and seeing Rachel was the bright side of my weekend.

But wait you know last night was pretty fun too... if you consider getting your ribs kicked by 6 guy amusing. I came back to school last night in order to go to a birthday party my friend was having. the party was fun until the police showed up and every one left except for a small number of people. well to make a long story short i think i was the victim of a hate crime that's right, hate the white kid who tries to calm down a fight and sticks up for his best friend (who is a girl) and was upset seeing her getting hit. suddenly 6 unrelated black guy became "cousins" and felt it their cousinly duty to beat my ass, because apparently me fighting a 200lb+ man is to stacked in my favor. well any one that knows me knows that i can be quite stubborn, even in a situation like this, and when they felt bad about beating me up and stop i stood up as quickly as possible and hit the closest one. this probably happened about five times. then my friend, Amanda, finally convinced me that this wasn't doing me any good. get this though, im walking to leave and get jumped again by one of them, so this started a whole nother round of beat the white kid. so all together i got beat up for about twenty min. straight. I'm convinced that I'm slightly brain-damaged right now. hopefully only temporary. I'm waiting till tomorrow, when it will be free, to go to the clinic for x-rays. I really don't feel that bad all in all. just a little sore. I haven't decided to press charges yet or not. I don't know if it will be worth it to be honest, maybe if I have medical bills but that would be about it.

I had an odd dream this morning... it convinced me to seek out a united Methodist church and go to service. I haven't been in over 10 years, it was good. I felt comfort. I look down from the balcony i was on and i found hope in the decency of people. i saw people, and even though their lives are just as or shitty then mine, they still come to church once a week and put on a smile. as you can imagine i looked like hell this morning but still these people smiled at me like i was the most pleasant sight they had ever seen. they greeted me with true goodwill, not with eyes that ask questions so I guess I found out what it takes to get me to church... I need to find an easier way.

My life is weird... its probably worth its weight in entertainment. I have to say I hope God has a video camera on my ass when this stuff happens. I would really like to whatch it one day.

well thats a recap of highlights from my weekend. Jenny, if you read this i dont mean to traumatise you, i'm fine. love yall